The following excerpt is from Willowgreen Publishing’s book When You’re the Caregiver: 12 Things to Do If Someone You Care For Is Ill or Incapacitated by James E. Miller.

Treat the other as the equal he or she is.

     The unfortunate truth is this: the other’s injury or illness or disability may become such a focus it almost replaces the rest of their identity. This process, initiated by family and friends as well as by professionals and strangers, is often unintentional and unconscious. But it is not unimportant. It is a destructive act.
     The tendency to diminish and dehumanize the other occurs in various ways. You may make decisions for them without bothering to consult them. Or you may treat them as helpless by doing things they are capable of doing on their own, things they even wish to do. You may use infantile language, as in, “What are we going to wear today, dear?” You may find yourself feeling pity rather than empathy.
     Never forget: the person you’re caring for is just as unique and just as complex as before. They are just as sacred as ever. And that person deserves to be respected and treated as such. Ask yourself: if you do not treat them as a valued equal, who will?
     Some ways you can be conscious of relating to the other as an equal include:

• Expect the other to maintain as much control over their life as they wish and as they are able. Support them in this.
• Validate what you esteem in the other by what you say and do. Make sure the other knows what you respect about them.
• If the other has changed a great deal as a result of this experience, look beneath the surface and treasure their heart and soul.
• Be accepting of the other’s place on their journey, even if it’s not where you believe you would be. For starters, you can’t know for sure how you would respond in the same situation. In addition, it’s not your role to change the other person. Only they can do that.

     Relating to the other as your equal is healthy, but it is not always easy to do. The other may not agree with you—and has that right. The other may get angry—and has that freedom. The other may test you and try to alienate you, to see how committed you are to staying with them. The other may take out their frustrations on you, when they’re really upset about something else. You may be a “safe target,” or the only target available to them.
     When you have times of strain, here are some ways to handle it:

• Honestly look to see if you have been treating the other as less than equal, even in small ways. If you have, admit it. Then strive to change.
• Visualize yourself in the other’s situation. Ask yourself what you might feel, how you might behave, what you might be tempted to do.
• Listen as non-defensively as you can to any words of anger. If the feelings directed your way are justified, talk them through. Be genuine. If the feelings are really directed elsewhere but they happen to land on you, try not to take them personally. Be understanding.
• Take a break if you feel hurt or impatient or critical. Find ways to unwind.

     Remind yourself what you already know: strong relationships can withstand difficult times. In fact, successfully navigating such times can make your relationships even stronger.

     Jim Miller offers many more suggestions for caring for someone who’s ill or incapacitated in his book When You’re the Caregiver: 12 Things to Do If Someone You Care For Is Ill or Incapacitated. This is another innovative double book by Willowgreen Publishing. The other half of this book in entitled When You’re Ill or Incapacitated: 12 Things to Remember in Times of Sickness, Injury, or Disability. Jim has created various other print and audiovisual resources both for caregivers and for those in their care. Jim’s interest in these topics is both professional and personal, having been a caregiver for a family member with a serious illness.

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