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The following excerpt is from Willowgreen Publishing’s
book One You Love Is Dying: 12 Thoughts
to Guide You on the Journey by James E.
Miller.
The dying person will be as
they've always been, only more so.
When someone is told
they have only limited time to live, they respond in their
own unique way. Some people become visibly upset and others
appear stoic. Some act astonished and others take it in stride,
as if they've known all along. There are no prescriptions
for how people will react when they learn they're dying, but
there are some general rules.
As a rule, the
kind of person they've been before is the kind of person they'll
be now.
The fact that
something has happened and someone is now dying does not change
who they are. They do not automatically become wiser or kinder
or braver. They simply become more themselves. Generally,
if they were serious before, they'll be serious now. If they've
been lighthearted, they'll probably still have a sparkle about
them, at least some of the time. Quiet people will usually
not talk a lot more, grouchy people will not complain much
less, and affectionate people will not give up their loving
ways.
What dying people may
do is emphasize certain aspects of who they've been all along.
Realizing this is a time unlike any other, and knowing it
will not come again, they may concentrate on certain pursuits
or call upon certain characteristics, letting others fall
away. You may have the impression they're becoming more who
they're meant to be.
As a rule, dying
people prefer to live fully as long as they're able and to
be treated as very much alive.
There's a tendency
to treat dying people differently. Voices are often lowered.
People's faces may appear overly somber or they may take on
a false cheeriness. Topics of conversation become more limited
and some things are no longer talked about at all. As a result,
the dying person may feel they're being pushed to one side,
or they're being treated with pity, or they're being handled
like a child.
Not only is the dying
person no different than they used to be, but in the most
essential way, they are no different than you are today. They're
your equal in every sense. They're as full of life as you
are. They're every bit as human and maybe even more human.
So they may bristle if you treat them as less than they are.
They don't want your pity; they want your compassion. They
don't want you to pat them on the head; they want you to go
with them hand-in-hand just as far as you can.
As a rule, rules
don't always hold.
While most people
don't experience personality conversions as they prepare to
die, some do. Some decide to live the time that's left in
radically different ways, and they give up old lifestyles
for new ones. Some become obviously freer and others become
clearly happier. Some grow up a great deal in a short period
of time and a few, unlikely as it may seem, actually blossom.
It happens.
It will help everyone
if you can go into this experience with as few preconceptions
as possible about what dying people are like. Just expect
the one you love to live as fully as they want for as long
as they're able. Expect them to know joy as well as sorrow,
to feel promise as well as pain, to laugh as well as cry.
Expect them to teach you what you need to know. Mostly, just
expect them to live until they die. Then let them do precisely
that.
This writing is an excerpt
from Jim Miller’s book
One You Love Is Dying: 12 Thoughts to
Guide You on the Journey. He has created other
materials as well, including a companion book for those who
know they’re dying, entitled When
You Know You’re Dying.
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